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Thursday, 21 March 2013

Emmy The Great - Iris

I love Emmy The Great. Probably my favourite female artist.
And her songs are so relatable.
This song and this video even is a very easy/creative way to explain how things are, how i am and how i still am that curious little girl running round the garden getting her school uniform muddy and doing weird things in the shed and talking to trees...
I still do that, but observe and look back at things with a  guitar in hand. :)

The blogger is back! Maybe i was hibernating?

So I guess I've been taking "time off". Not time off from doing anything, but time off from presenting and portraying and sharing what i do with the wider world. Though, my usage of Facebook has skyrocketed! Instead of thinking too much about what i'm doing and being well focussed and driven i've been going along through feeling. Which is fine, and ok. This is my gap year, my year off; and let's face it, i think i am allowed to do that!

However...over the last few weeks...the guilt has began to creep up my wonky spine and the feeling of slouching into a comfortable rut has began to make me restless as i've watched the sun slowly creep into my mental cave. Yes, i get moments of paranoia and worry that I haven't "done enough stuff" but i've come to discover that this anxiety is very much a part of me and i will always be like that. Whether it's on a day where i've spent too much time on the internet, trying and failing to sing and play guitar or one where I've got up at the crack of dawn, skied peak to creek, pushed 2 miles and made a jelly. (i don't know where "making a jelly" came from...but it's a good example!)

I guess the best way to describe how I have been recently is, "19". Well...the nearest i can get to acting my age that is. I'll always own an old head on young, battered shoulders but recently i've just thought.."f*** it". And relaxed. Well, now i'm bored and restless of that.

My hair is back to being colourfully dip-dyed...(purple this time folks!), the wandering round Downtown Vancouver listening to "This is England" and "straight to hell" will continue, but the drive and momentum has returned. I don't know where from, but it has. It's a little like when your a kid and the week before you start back to school during the summer holidays you feel ready to write essays about a new period of history. Or a more accurate comparison to my situation right now, is a little like my study of American civil Rights. It's time to step things up a notch and look deeper and work harder. Like...going from my year 10 perspective of "MLK is good, Black Nationalism is bad" to my year 13 "crazy idea" of, "I think i'm going to do my entire history coursework on Black Nationalism" and then proceed to get full marks from it. (I still smirk gleefully at this accomplishment!) Though a lot like my Black Nationalism coursework...(and the staff of the Winstanley History Department will vouch for me!) I really, really struggle with organisation, structure, focus and time keeping. It's just how I am. But when i tackle these little characteristics and tie them down  and actually get to the point and focus on what i want to achieve then...well...the outcomes can often turn out pretty amazing! There was this day, (probably pretty much exactly a year i spookily just read a "deadline"status from the history department's Facebook) where i was sat in the history cupboard with Ruth (my former teacher) with one of my many drafts of coursework splattered  mixed up and all over the desk. "This is good!" She said (along these lines at least) , "It's just all mixed up and there's extra bits you don't need, thrown in..but it's finding those bits to take out, without getting rid of the good stuff that's difficult!"...and that's me. That is an exact and perfectly accurate portrayal of my brain, heart and everything in between. But it's ok. I know that it is possible to sort it out and get what i want from "it" in order to do great things. As...well, i've done it, haven't i? From that mixed up mash of words, ideas and new exciting discoveries...i got full marks! All through shear hard work, focus and some how managing to tame the "wild parts" of me that make me "me" and fuel the successful "me". They just sometimes create way too many emissions!

So I know I can do it. And by writing this, I am making a start of "doing it" and addressing "it." I will never attempt to remove my crazy excited and hyper-active characteristics that allow me to be a political-historical geek/Folk-punk rock fan who watches the BBC 6 o'clock news at 11am.; Who also bizarrely wants to build a career in outdoor adaptive recreation and use my skills that i steal from all over to create something brilliant! It would be stupid to even attempt that. But i can figure and now pro-actively control and mould my own characteristics and emotions the way i want, not what anyone else wants and do that with the physical and concrete aspects of my life. I get anxious when it comes to decision making through the fear of "letting people down". Being injured at what now looks like a very early age, i've become all too aware of the stops people appear to put out in order to allow me to do what I want to do. But that sometimes, is just how it is. And i've got to just allow myself to to breath, relax and understand that it is ok to change your mind and kindly decline offers...even after accepting them because well..yes, i may be "Marvellous Miss Laura May" who appears driven (apparently) but i'm 19 and my life has been a roller-coaster over the last few years. I've now had a bit of time to slow down and think a little...i've taken a step back away from the track and instead of jumping on a flying train a million miles long packed with people, suitcases and stray dogs, I've decided to wait for the bus's just arrived and looks half full to me.

In short, I'm declining my accepted offer from the University of Cumbria to study outdoor education and I'm going to apply to study Outdoor Recreation Management at Capilano university Vancouver.

It's amazing what you can discover when you're not really searching.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

I should have written but i've been busy and it's been so long do i fit 3 weeks of vancouver/Whistler into a tiny blog post?

I promise i'll make a video log...that'll probably be easiest way to get the crazy fun across!
I just made a little Facebook status...that is totally not accurately about my trip to Canada but it's true and  a bit of a round up to make you think and realise, even on the most normal days where not much happens, "wow, i got here and i've done stuff and everything i've done and people around me have done is why i'm here..." That may be a good or bad situation and from that thought...well you know that you can move forward. Maybe i should do exactly that in moments where i think i am the world's most terrible skier! 

"Sometimes we get so stuck in the moment that we just need to take a breather and look at our past to see the bits and pieces that have built up to make us who we are now and realise that right now is just another bit or piece to our puzzle-ing lives! Mine is a supersize 3D jigsaw with electrical buts, running water and the odd broken bit hanging off...Basically i've had a quick scroll through my facebook timeline from when i joined and oh my my life has been...interesting...lots of bits and pieces...i always wanted but never believed i'd be doing what i'm doing right now. No, i'm not in some top flashy university or job but i'm building...i'm adding bits and pieces to my puzzle...(yes, i still write and use words like i did when i was 10) and know that i'm on an interesting and fun, exciting path that's true to me. We're all the same really...and the truly amazing bits of us remain forever...and so do the dorky, awkward parts that we don't always like to admit to...i'll go watch the thick of it and sleep...good morning britain! mwahaha i am soooo upside down!"

So...i haven't taken any pics of myself much but i've taken pics of stuff!

Few from the Gondola of grouse mountain, coming back
from one of my Wednesday night ski lessons.

I tried out nordic skiing! It was pretty easy to be honest...
think i shocked a few people at how strong i really arm. Do
not be mislead by my skinny-looking body|!

Went on a bit of a roll to Britannia Bay (ye, really weren't very original
when we named places over here...

This is me near the top of Blackcomb with Sian's wonderful
yellow i left my beautiful black one in the bar
on top of Grouse...oops!

Meeting a family pet! Charlotte the cute!
She huffs like angus!

A really random steam powered clock in pretty gas town
it's the "old" looking part of Vancouver! 
Got to have goggles to match my dyslexia, right?

A beautiful view of the mountains from coal harbour...just went
on a push to exercise and discovered it!

And for future...this is the view from my hotel.

So ye, I'm having  a pretty good time!